| Aug. 16th, 2005 @ 04:23 pm Goodbye is always so hard.... |
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Current Mood:  brokenhearted
Current Music: I'll Keep Holding On by (?) Simply Red
I suppose now would be as good a time as any to type this up. *sighs heavily*. i've come to realize that my so-called best friend truely is a prick. why, you ask? well, it all started because we dated at one point in time; not for a long time, mind, but we dated. then, at one point, we both MUTUALLY decided to break things off, because the relationship was strained. i mean, you could practically take a knife and slice through the tension, it was that thick. we agreed to still be friends and honour our promise of being there for each other no matter what, just like all the years we'd been friends. and everything was fine with that. months went by, we saw other people, i found myself at university and himself in 12th grade. I came back over Christmas break and we hung out. heck, i even refused plans with Dep, Freya, Angelis, etc., because i didn't want to break the new year's plans i'd previously made with him (and Dep had come all the way from Ottawa. *slaps own self* i know, i know...). so, it would have appeared that all was well. i came back for summer breakin april, we hung out once, and everything went smoothly. after that one meeting, we were less in touch, because high school graduation was pending for him, and he had a lot of work to do. there was, however, semi-regular chats on msn, and the occasional phone call. then, towards the end of may/beginning of june, all communication stopped. there were no more phone calls, he wouldn't answer mine, he blocked me on MSN, etc. i sent him and e-mail or 2 asking him what was up, but he never responded. after that, i got really busy with work, and thus contented myself with the bustling days, until my antsiness got the better of me. i knew that he still occasionally talked with one of my friends, who was an acquaintance of his, because she'd always tell me how things were with him. so, about mid-July, i got her to call him up and ask him why he didn't talk to me anymore. he told her it was because i didn't put enough effort into our friendship. now, that really kind of ticked me off, because i was the one the bastard refused to respond to. once again, however, life took it's course, got busier, and i left it at that... until now, that is. with summer drawing to a close, myself returning to Guelph for 2nd year, and him off to Fanshaw for the first time, i had to have answer to my one burning question, before life seperates us completely. so, last night, i had my friend call him up again, because i knew he probably would have ignored the phone if he saw my number, or hung up if he heard my voice initially. she prepped him for my coming on the line, and then i finally was on the phone with him, for the first time in months. it was extremely awkward during the initial hello, then there was a huge silence, before i finally asked him why he really never talks to me anymore. he sighed quite audibly and hesitated a long moment, before fainlly saying "it's easier this way...not talking to you". i stood with my mouth hanging open, and then said "so, instead of telling me it was easier, which i could have understood better, you chose to ignore me", to which he said, very condescendingly "it's not really ignoring you per say, as it is just never seeing you at all, or talking to you". i scoffed for a minute, and then said "and blocking me on MSN, what about that?". he claimed that it didn't matter, because he was never online anyway; which is complete bullshit, because i saw him appear as logged on on my friend's list when she was over at my house the night before that. they were even chatting. so i told him i knew this, and he just scoffed slightly. then there was this long pause before i finally said "i just wish you would have told me, which you could have, instead of leaving me here to wonder what i'd done to make my best friend hate me so much", to which he replied (in a voice filled with loathing and contempt) "yeah, well now you know. anyways, i have friends over right now, so i gotta go. have a nice life".
*sighs* i just feel so hurt right now. i've quite literally just lost my best friend, my brother... i mean, he could have told me, dammit!!! i would have understood where he was coming from, and hurt a lot less than i am right now. no, instead he ignores me for months, then trieds to act like it's all my fault, when he's the one who broke our life-long pact, promising to always be there, and to be honest with each other, no matter what. i expected more from him, especially after 18 and a half years of friendship. 18 and a half bloody years!!! his entire goddamned life, and most of mine, save 10 months. we were, quite literally, crib mates (i have pictures). from crib-chewing, to drooling, to scraped knees, to hockey, games and self-discovery, we've been trhoug it all. we grew up together, through diapers, potty-training, sandcastles, mortal kombat, D&D, all the way to first crushes, broken hearts, teenagehood, and more. then he just completely rips it all up and spits on it, like he doesn't care about the last 18 + years.
i could have accepted this, if he'd only just told me. I mean, we did date (even if it was only like, 2 or 3 months, compared to the 17 years of friendship we'd had before that), so i can see how maybe not talking to me or not seeing me would help. but, instead of telling me, he ignored me completely. left me to wonder what i'd done to make him hate me so. then, when i finally confronted him, he broke my heart by throwing it all in my face, and acting like it didn't matter. god, i hate him... I HATE HIM!!!!!!!
(*sighs* and ironically enough, one of the songs that reminds me of him is playing on the radio at the desk next to me). |
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